Rains that brought blank thoughts……………………
Here am I struggling with myself. Questions are buzzing me all around and I’m left wondering, lonely, dazed and lost and shaken. With tears in my eyes and grief in my heart. I don’t know exactly what to do, as all I know is that I’m blank.
All I wanted for myself, seems like a wrong step now. Did I head in the wrong direction? Or is it that with time I lost my way. Have I come so far that I don’t see a soul whom I could talk to, or is it raining so heavily that all have reached home and I’ve lost my way to home?. But I was never going at home, rather I was searching for a place which I could call my own. Searching for an identity within me, which I could say it’s me.
The day started well, with beautiful rains, that evoked bitter sweet memories. All went well until sometime back, when a very dark cloud started pouring heavily. Questions hit me like arrows piercing my skin, and running down through my blood, my every fiber and every nerve. All it came back to me, and left me with vague emotions.
Making a place for myself in field of sociology, where we study society. Everyday I listen to those talks ranging from origin of the man to the doomsday, from feminism to fanaticism, from caste to cities, from dark ages to development. Theories, concepts, empiricism, or case studies, call it whatever you wish, where under the gamut of study, jargons are used in way creating a whole new terminology in sociology. Concepts which never a layman will understand, and books which never a common man would read. Papers that will be published in so called academic journals, which a person would use it to pack his Tiffin. This field claiming to be scientific is based on politics of subjectivism. Yet I’m trying to make my place in this system.
As the day comes to an end , here I’m playing another role, teaching English to students of 12th grade, and greatness about this subject. Of course the syllabus interest me, as its inspiring. Addressing 100 of students makes me feel better, and there I’m trying to bring out the young minds, from dogmatic structures. Where, once I sat like them a few years back, with few questions in my mind. How far I inspire them? I don’t know, But im sure that I do play a better role, than anyone else in my place would have played. Just because I like it, so I do it, or is it because I’m paid. Of course, its money that makes me do it. So that I don’t have to beg to anyone, to live a simple satisfactory life, that this city demands from one.
But today the sky has brought not just rains, but even pain. It aches to know how lonely I’m left in struggling to be a sociologist. With the critical thought either friends left me or I had time for none. With the work and commuting, there was no time, and I guess i cam far away from all those who were close to me. not realizing that I would be so alone on this blissful little evening, where I struggle to find my way.
Its getting dark, and I’m left asking to myself, was it the path of sociology worth taking? I asked myself this because today questions after questions pondered me, making me ask my self ‘if I’m worthy enough to be one? This city seems lively to everyone, people claiming it to be city of joy. But does anyone realize that how this city makes you addicted to it, and leaves one vulnerable?
Its true this city of dreams 'Mumbai' gives you lot, but along with it, it takes much more away from you. My study, my work left no time for myself. Sometimes I missed my prayers, sometimes breakfast, later on it made no difference if I missed it or not, because I knew I had to reach on time or else the bus would be gone. Art- a medium through which I expressed often,didnt die in this chaos or rather i kept it alive. But yes, it did manage to survive with breaks and pauses.
Meditation and my philosophy took a back seat with the learning of sociology. Along with philosophy, I left my best tool behind spirituality. This rains takes me back and is laughing at me of course leaving spiritual path was the gravest mistake. but I guess I never left it, because it was never a path, I still remember it is the light which shows you the right path. Yes the light within me has dimmed because no time was left and I dint refill the oil in it.
The rains have stopped, the clouds seem to move away. The birds are twittering at distance, I guess its time to oil the lamp so it can illuminate the path to make it easier to find my destination. As it is I don’t care about the destination,i guess destination is a myth. It is more about the journey.
I remember Mother Teresa’s words from my moral science text of high school ‘life is a journey for exciting things to do and finding new happiness
But yes everything is not glorious, there are bitter times too. It’s like Khalil Jibran’s Ambitious Violet, who desired to be rose for a day. Although after its transformation into rose she did die, but she seen the life which no violet had seen, she wasn’t greedy but ambitious.
I’m sad, lonely and blank. But this blank situation gives me an opportunity to rewrite new things and create new memories, of course all won’t be good, but at the end I’m sure they will be ‘bittersweet’
which i shall recollect on one such rainy day..........
