Filling the spaces that are left blank

How complicated are situations. When we break away from your daily schedule, and meet strange old and new friends, how situations unravel themselves, and how conversations take tun and twist. All that you wonder is how am I here?

But then at the same time, these new twisting conversations also make you compel to answer, what often we don't even talk to ourselves, rather shy away from there. Well! If its about how does it help you, then not really much, but makes you more open for the next set of conversations with strange new people whom you may call as friends.

In between these conversations, some times your lost in the nostalgic past. Or we tour ourselves with the amazing past we had, rather we even peep in to our bedroom scenes which have become chapters of history. And then you remember the bitter sweet memories of some other love, in another moment. When we are lost with the going on situations, we often tend to transcend ourselves on a flight of nostalgia and some times even past epics.

Some times you just need to let your hair down, and immerse in the moment, then however strange it may be. Just like listening to a nostalgic song, that evokes the empty spaces devoid of love and hold a strangers hand, the entwined fingers, and the warmth of little happiness if not love actually.

Why do new people, tend to take us to our past? Or is it that we are trying to look for our past in the present? Or is it just that we need someone, who can fill the spaces that past left unfilled. I guess it is the latter one, atleast on a positive note, filling the empty space with love and serenity. Which at this stage seems devoid of all that we yearn for unconditional love.
But then along with these, there is also the heart that physically beats and actually vacillates from feelings and fringes. It has been hurt and ruined, whenever it tried to accommodate anyone in it. People stayed for some time, made an Utopian world in it, and even destroyed the world, with pain and agony. Is this heart that after hard efforts forgotten the Utopian world, creating another one or has dreamt for one? But, is even scared what if blank spaces widen themselves in the hope of filling them and what if, history recreates those chapters with more pages at length. The struggle of love, friendship and relations that we cannot name, vacillate, interact, and conflict among themselves when we meet new strange people.

And certain questions that eventually pop up. Do I still love that person? Will these people too, just misjudge me? Will I ever find some one to fill those spaces? Or is even the move to fill those spaces incorrect? And All I do is unwrap the chocolate which the person whom I loved the most gave me months back, and I look at it, thinking about him, and people whom I just met!
On a good note……..I still hope that spaces will be filled and love will blossom

The Paradox of Life

Certainly life is so simple at times, for a long time it remains stable and suddenly with an entry of a person, creates ripples, waves and further even ruptures. Sometimes you wish that life would have been better if these ripples never manifested. Although, at the back of mind we all need something pleasant in life but none of us want the dream to become a nightmare. Ripples bring joy and serenity at the same time spoil the usual schedule, which is good for a change, but then sooner these pleasant ripples change in to waves, life gets more disturbing and no time ruptures it upside down, leaving you vulnerable.
Sometimes we just wish we were happy the way we were, stable, unmoved, usual and monotonous. However, that time monotony becomes a pain, and we wait for something to happen, but when that something happens, everything changes. And all we wish is to go back the way we were…….An endless quest to be happy, certainly brings miseries and pain in the never expected form.
Your new friends become more or less strangers, you wish you never had met them. Old friends are never in touch, because when they were, we all wanted better friends than the everyday one’s…………Family gets so irritating at times, and when you have no one around us we yearn for them. Childhood had so many boundaries and we wanted to grow up fast, and when we are grown we wish we were always children. ……we are always caught up between the past memoirs and the future comings, making the present dangle in between.
We always wish for more joys, and once we lose it, we have more sorrows to deal with. And then with nostalgic feelings, immerse ourselves in the past with smaller joys but also with it smaller problems to tackle with. A success that is small, however satisfactory now, because in the search of bigger success, we lost many smaller joys on our journey, leaving the past, staking present in anticipation of successful future.
The chirping of the birds in the morning, the smell of the early rising earth, the breakfast with all, friends that never left is alone, studies that were really not so irritating as we thought of them then, stupid parties, rubbish jokes, non stop laughter, bare feet on the sand, gazing at the horizon, making castles in sand, tickling and poking, funny little games and eventually dancing in the rain……………..what of it do I do now?
Busy mornings, skipping breakfast, herd of beings, wave of labour, crowded trains, traffic jams, earphones and endless thoughts , booze and fall over, with a hangover, third class cinema, irritating idiot box, running like the hands of clock as of life will stop, friends that ditch us, colleagues that bitch about us, all we know yet we maintain a plastic smile…………. Eventually the mask gets suffocating and the only way of escaping is nothing else but driving in the nostalgic past, when life was not so fast, and we actually lived life, although now were merely exist like the animal world, merely satisfying biological needs…… and I wonder how far is that even true……..skipping meals, genetically modified food, impure water, ugly fruits, no time to rest, not enough sleep, vulnerable sex that often turns out to be bad, ……………are we then reduced to mere machines, if not even animals????????????
The paradox of life, is that life is no more life!
Home is no more home, friends are no more friends, love is no more love, and I guess I’m not what I really am………..
Did I loose myself on this journey of illusions or was I compelled to loose myself?
All I know is that my path is of love and will continue to follow it, however dark the world gets, and however painful are the thorns……… I will still continue to walk the path of love, this is what I’m, this is what gives meaning to my existence, making it a LIFE!
lets listen to chirping of birds again. Lets build castles, lets get our childhood friends back, lets just sleep well, lets sing as bad as we can, lets swing again, Let us Live again!

RAINS THAT BROUGHT BLANK THOUGHTS........

Rains that brought blank thoughts……………………
Here am I struggling with myself. Questions are buzzing me all around and I’m left wondering, lonely, dazed and lost and shaken. With tears in my eyes and grief in my heart. I don’t know exactly what to do, as all I know is that I’m blank.

All I wanted for myself, seems like a wrong step now. Did I head in the wrong direction? Or is it that with time I lost my way. Have I come so far that I don’t see a soul whom I could talk to, or is it raining so heavily that all have reached home and I’ve lost my way to home?. But I was never going at home, rather I was searching for a place which I could call my own. Searching for an identity within me, which I could say it’s me.
The day started well, with beautiful rains, that evoked bitter sweet memories. All went well until sometime back, when a very dark cloud started pouring heavily. Questions hit me like arrows piercing my skin, and running down through my blood, my every fiber and every nerve. All it came back to me, and left me with vague emotions.

Making a place for myself in field of sociology, where we study society. Everyday I listen to those talks ranging from origin of the man to the doomsday, from feminism to fanaticism, from caste to cities, from dark ages to development. Theories, concepts, empiricism, or case studies, call it whatever you wish, where under the gamut of study, jargons are used in way creating a whole new terminology in sociology. Concepts which never a layman will understand, and books which never a common man would read. Papers that will be published in so called academic journals, which a person would use it to pack his Tiffin. This field claiming to be scientific is based on politics of subjectivism. Yet I’m trying to make my place in this system.

As the day comes to an end , here I’m playing another role, teaching English to students of 12th grade, and greatness about this subject. Of course the syllabus interest me, as its inspiring. Addressing 100 of students makes me feel better, and there I’m trying to bring out the young minds, from dogmatic structures. Where, once I sat like them a few years back, with few questions in my mind. How far I inspire them? I don’t know, But im sure that I do play a better role, than anyone else in my place would have played. Just because I like it, so I do it, or is it because I’m paid. Of course, its money that makes me do it. So that I don’t have to beg to anyone, to live a simple satisfactory life, that this city demands from one.

But today the sky has brought not just rains, but even pain. It aches to know how lonely I’m left in struggling to be a sociologist. With the critical thought either friends left me or I had time for none. With the work and commuting, there was no time, and I guess i cam far away from all those who were close to me. not realizing that I would be so alone on this blissful little evening, where I struggle to find my way.

Its getting dark, and I’m left asking to myself, was it the path of sociology worth taking? I asked myself this because today questions after questions pondered me, making me ask my self ‘if I’m worthy enough to be one? This city seems lively to everyone, people claiming it to be city of joy. But does anyone realize that how this city makes you addicted to it, and leaves one vulnerable?

Its true this city of dreams 'Mumbai' gives you lot, but along with it, it takes much more away from you. My study, my work left no time for myself. Sometimes I missed my prayers, sometimes breakfast, later on it made no difference if I missed it or not, because I knew I had to reach on time or else the bus would be gone. Art- a medium through which I expressed often,didnt die in this chaos or rather i kept it alive. But yes, it did manage to survive with breaks and pauses.
Meditation and my philosophy took a back seat with the learning of sociology. Along with philosophy, I left my best tool behind spirituality. This rains takes me back and is laughing at me of course leaving spiritual path was the gravest mistake. but I guess I never left it, because it was never a path, I still remember it is the light which shows you the right path. Yes the light within me has dimmed because no time was left and I dint refill the oil in it.
The rains have stopped, the clouds seem to move away. The birds are twittering at distance, I guess its time to oil the lamp so it can illuminate the path to make it easier to find my destination. As it is I don’t care about the destination,i guess destination is a myth. It is more about the journey.

I remember Mother Teresa’s words from my moral science text of high school ‘life is a journey for exciting things to do and finding new happiness

But yes everything is not glorious, there are bitter times too. It’s like Khalil Jibran’s Ambitious Violet, who desired to be rose for a day. Although after its transformation into rose she did die, but she seen the life which no violet had seen, she wasn’t greedy but ambitious.
I’m sad, lonely and blank. But this blank situation gives me an opportunity to rewrite new things and create new memories, of course all won’t be good, but at the end I’m sure they will be ‘bittersweet’
which i shall recollect on one such rainy day..........

Tranquility of togetherness and the Solitude of Lonliness

As we go to sleep we realize all that we do on that day, and think about tomorrow. But than when everything is planned our thoughts flow from those days, to many days back, to months sometimes even years, until we reach a point when we think life was so beautiful then. Do we want to say that we have a good job, a stable life, and yet we yearn for something else?
What is this something else? Is it a better life, and how do we define this better life? Or is it all about those precious moments shared with beautiful people that won’t come back! We sit back and get transformed in to a space of laughter, love and life. Friends whom we knew very well, friends that were a part of our life, friends without whom we never thought we could survive. Then what went wrong somewhere that everything turned upside down. That time no more remained, those moments became memories, and those friends faded far away in time. Will these memories also fade in this busy circle of life???????
Where did these moments go, or did we loose those people who created those moments. Or is it that those people whom we once called friends left us and went away. Has life’s path been so difficult and misty that we don’t remember where we lost each other?
The life’s path is become a lonely route. Where we meet others traveling life’s route too, wait for a moment, greet them and again continue on our own. Had I ever thought that life would become so lonely, or was I unaware of loneliness of the path? Is the solitude of this path momentary? I guess so, because all I crave is the tranquility of togetherness amidst solitude.
But I wonder can we go back and recreate those moments? And we know the answer that it cannot be done. As with time we have come far away the route, and we wonder if those who we left behind are still waiting there. They too must have continued the path on their own. Life waits for none; it’s a show that has to go on. Will we ever meet them again? I’m unsure about it. After all future seemed predictable but it never was. All that we learn is ‘Life can never be understood in its future but in its past, going backwards, down the memory lane’
That is why when we go to sleep; a flash back begins of those beautiful memories.